Parashat Pinchas: “She Never Told Her Love”
(D’var Torah delivered by Rabbi J.B. Sacks on July 7, 2023)
Henry Peach Robinson was a nineteenth-century English photographer who was best known for pioneering the technique of joining multiple negatives or prints to form a single image. His most famous work, “Fading Away,” is a great example of this early stage of photomontage.
If you look at the handout, you will see his “She Never Told Her Love,” from 1857, which was a study for the central figure in his “Fading Away.”
Here we see a young woman lying in bed, starkly alone, with the lack of context and black background accentuating her dark, lonely existence. In light of the title, “She Never Told Her Love,” we might surmise that she is either dreaming of, or reflecting on, what might have been had she told her love.
Alfred Joseph Woolmer was a prolific nineteenth-century English painter, who had over 400 paintings exhibited at the Royal Society of British Artists, the British Gallery, and the Royal Academy of Arts. Below Robinson’s black and white photographic study, you see his work with the same title.
Here we see a woman sitting alone, looking downward. While the light shines upon her, she cuts a sad figure. Far in the background are a couple standing, whose faces we cannot properly discern, and who stand in darkness, but whose happiness we surmise is the counterpoint to this young woman’s sad lonesomeness. The title suggests that if she had only told her love, her life might be different; she might be coupled.
These two works, executed close in time, bear the resonant title, “She never told her love,” apparently stemming from Shakespeare’s gender-bending play, Twelfth Night.[1] Later Joseph Haydn (1732-1809), father of the modern symphony, wrote a canzonetta[2] for Shakespeare’s words.
Ah! “She never told her love!” Over how many fruitless lives might that sentence be written! The hour came, but the lips were sealed. Kind words of encouragement and appreciation that could have given a lift to a burdened soul, or sweetened a bitter life, were not uttered.
In contrast, we hear the story of a man who went into a flower shop and selected a few flowers, stating, “These are my wife’s favorites.” The sales clerk expressed sympathy for the wife’s illness. “My wife? Sick?” the husband exclaimed. “She feels better than ever.” The sales clerk apologized: “Forgive me for my mistake, but husbands seldom buy flowers for healthy wives. They usually buy them when they are ill.”
So today let’s ruminate on our duty to express our appreciation to the deserving, and our love to the objects of our feelings. By this I do not mean chanifah, vulgar flattery, but letting your loved ones, friends, and associates know that you realize their worth and are grateful for what they do for you or for others. Everyone feels elated when they receive encouragement. Even our pets respond favorably to such treatment. A dog will wag its tail in a frenzy of delight when it feels that it has pleased its human companion.
Appreciation pays handsome dividends. It encourages one to do even better in the future. It is easier to work hard in an atmosphere of appreciation, but quite difficult to do even a simple task in the presence of those who are continuously critical and sour. Why not then make a point of encouraging dear ones in this manner? Why not say a word of praise to those who deserve it, a word of encouragement to those who need it?
When someone is doing a good job, tell them so. Tell the manufacturer that they are turning out a good product. If your friend’s child receives a promotion at work, express genuine gladness. If your spouse has outdone themselves with the kugel, tell them so–or at least demand seconds! Showing such pleasure not only makes others happy but is the stuff of genuine friendship and sh’lom bayit, harmony in the home.
Unfortunately, not infrequently we find that our comments about others tend toward the critical variety. Even when we are proud of someone’s achievements, we often mix in the bitter with the sweet. It is hardly encouraging for one who had done their level best to hear it characterized–in our words, our tone, or our body language–as simply nisht-koshe, not so bad. We do not have to mix in some point of criticism every time we tell someone we are actually showing appreciation.
Someone here is probably now saying to themselves, “O.K. Rabbi, but are you trying to tell us to praise people and give them swollen heads?” Not at all! It is true that some think that they are the best speakers, the finest musicians, or the cleverest minds. For such people the expressed opinions of others make little difference one way or the other.
Most of us, however, do not belong to that category. Far, far more people suffer from self-depreciation, self-distrust, and discouragement than from overconfidence and an overly high self-assessment. Numerous people are trying to do their best in life, but are near the breaking point. A little encouragement could revive and refresh them. The last straw that breaks the backs of many is that they receive no word of gratitude from anyone, even from family or close friends.
Here, let’s make a distinction between “plus” people and “minus” individuals. There are those whose most fitting symbol is a minus sign. They never add to your happiness, never deepen your thinking and do not encourage you to cling to your faith. When they leave your company, you tend to feel down; you’ve become poorer in your own esteem and suddenly feel that your faith in others is lessened.
A classic example of the “minus” attitude is provided in this week’s Torah reading. Pinchas jeopardized his life to save his people from the ravages of a plague caused by a brazen act of immorality. Such an altruistic act of heroism deserved the gratitude of the entire nation. So it is shocking when Rashi points out how many criticized Pinchas severely and heaped insults upon him.[3]
Thank G!d for those made of different spiritual fiber–those who add a plus to everything that is good in us. They believe in us, and make no secret of it. They help bring out the best in us by their interest and devotion, their support and, yes, their lovingly delivered challenge. Their expressed faith in us makes us tingle with the desire to do and to become even better.
Moses was a great “plus” personality. For years his father-in-law Yitro accompanied the Jewish people in the desert. Yitro was not sure, however, whether he was wanted or needed, since he was not a Jew by birth. Moses assured him that he was indeed appreciated: “Please do not leave, I beseech you, for you know where we should encamp in the wilderness, and you shall be to us as eyes.[4]
Upon hearing these words, Yitro resolved to remain with our Israelite ancestors, and proved himself a useful guide and devoted presence throughout the wilderness years.
That is what appreciation and encouragement do to us and to others.
Yet this lesson of positivity may yet seem Pollyanna-ish to some, mere wishful thinking. So let’s look at the science: Our brains are hard-wired to look for and focus on threats. The mind’s tendency is to wander until it finds a threat. These “threats” magnify the perceived likelihood that things are going—or are going to go—poorly.
Study after study also confirms that “plus” people live healthier and longer lives. They have lower cardiovascular disease and a stronger immune response to infections and even tumors.
“Plus” personalities also perform better. Optimistic salespersons sell 37% more products. They tend to stick with a job longer, and get better results.
Yet even “plus” personalities may find that maintaining positivity is a daily challenge that requires focus and attention. We must be intentional about staying positive if we’re going to overcome the brain’s tendency to focus on threats.
Dr. Travis Bradberry, an expert on emotional intelligence, gives us three practical tips to tilt us to the “plus” side and keep us there.
The first step is to stop negative self-talk in its tracks. When you find yourself believing the negative and pessimistic things your inner voice says, it’s time to literally stop and write down what you are thinking. Writing slows the negative momentum of your thoughts, and you will be more clear-headed in evaluating them. You can bet the statements aren’t true any time you see words like never, always, worst, and ever. That’s just your brain’s natural threat tendency inflating the perceived frequency or severity of an event.
Do you really always lose your keys? Of course not. Those of you who drove couldn’t have gotten here this evening without keys! And none of you will get back into your homes without keys. Perhaps you do forget them sometimes, but most days you do remember them. If your statements still look like facts once they’re on paper, take them to a friend you can trust, and see if they agree with you.
Second, once released from negative thoughts, it’s time to help your brain learn what you want it to focus on—the positive. You have to give your wandering brain a little help by consciously selecting something positive to think about. Any positive thought will refocus your brain’s attention.
Finally, it seems important to cultivate an attitude of gratitude. What a great phrase: “an attitude of gratitude.” Scientific research shows that taking regular time to contemplate what you’re grateful for reduces the stress hormone cortisol by 23%, giving you improved mood, energy and substantially less anxiety.
These three tips sound incredibly basic, but they have tremendous power because they train your brain to have a positive focus.
So, we pray:
May we not be like Henry Peach Robinson’s or Alfred Joseph Woolmer’s young woman,
each of whom “Never Told Her Love.”
May we offer our appreciation to those who have earned it
and our encouragement to those who need it..
May we strive to be “plus” people, not “minus” people.
May we lean away from egocentrism and trend toward humility.
May we stop negative thoughts and words in their tracks.
May we train ourselves to focus on the positive.
May we be the spiritual descendents not of Pinchas but of Moses.
May we cultivate lives of gratitude.
Amen.
Shabbat shalom.
[1] The line comes in Act II, Scene IV. It is a key moment in the play
[2] A canzonetta is an Italian secular vocal composition.
[3] Rashi, Number 25:11.
[4] Numbers 10:31.