No, Too, Is an Answer
A man slipped on the escalator and started sliding to the bottom. Halfway down he collided with a woman, knocking her over. Together the two continued to the bottom. When they reached the main floor, the woman, still rather dazed, continued to sit on the man’s chest. He looked at her with an air of resignation. “Madam,” he offered politely, “I’m sorry, but this is as far as I go.”
The man’s words should resonate with all of us. In certain situations we can go only so far. We can go only so far in our volunteerism, in our relationships, in our playing, in our consumption of food and drink, and even in grieving and mourning.
We should have limits to everything we do in life. Learning to live with limits is spiritually mature. This means learning to incorporate words like “no” and “not” into building a good and wise life.
A number of factors impede our ability to say “no” enough, including:
- It sometimes feels that saying “no” is impolite or inconsiderate.
- It may feel that saying “no” threatens our connection to/relationship with others.
- We fear that we may disappoint or hurt others by saying “no.”
- We are culturally conditioned to believe that we get more out of life and out of others by saying “yes,” and that saying “no,” will prevent us from moving forward.
- Sometimes we are conflict averse.
Yet the benefits of saying “no” are tangible, and they include:
- Saying “no” can help us prioritize and value ourselves more.
- Saying “no” helps us to honor our true feelings.
- Saying “no” helps us to set and maintain appropriate boundaries.
- Saying “no” to something is a way of saying “yes” to something else.
- Saying “no” is a sign of respect toward others (and yourself).
A personal assistant was once being taken to task by their employer because they left the word “not” out of a letter. The assistant began to pout under the scolding and muttered, “After all, it’s only one little three-letter word.”
The employer overheard the comment and retorted back, “So you think one three-letter word is not important, do you. Well, where do you think we would be today if the word “not” had been omitted from the Ten Commandments?!?”
Can you imagine the Ten Commandments stating, “Thou shalt murder!” “Thou shalt steal!” or “Thou shalt bear false witness!” Oy!
So, nu, when and how should we say no?
- Ask yourself: Will saying “yes” prevent me from focusing on something more important? Will saying “yes” make me more tired and burned out? If the answer to either is “yes,” you should consider saying “no.”
- Be honest with yourself about why you are saying “no.”
- In telling someone “no,” ask yourself if an accompanying explanation is necessary. Sometimes no explanation or a very minimal one is best.
- You might consider offering an alternative solution that leaves you out of it. This lets the person know you understood the problem or concern.
- Be kind and don’t rush, but do get to the point!
We, of course, can and should say “yes” when that is appropriate. But most of us don’t have a problem saying “yes”; rather, we often do not feel comfortable or prepared to say “no.” But learning to say “yes” and “no” at the right times, in the right circumstances, and in the right manner, is part of living a mature faith.
As we prepare for the New Year 5784, let us consider the import of “yes” and “no.”
Rabbi J.B. Sacks